Audio By Carbonatix
Nearly every police department has some warm and friendly motto that adorns the sides of its cruisers — you know, something like “Courtesy, Professionalism, and Respect.”
Unfortunately, about the only time you’ll notice one of these slogans is when your nose is pressed up against it — while a burnt-out, vein-popping cop jabs an elbow in your abdomen and rifles through your pockets, screaming, “Where’s the shit?!”
We’re all about telling it like it is here at Riptide. So we’ve taken a look at the axioms of a few local police departments and decided what their slogans should be in an honest world.
Miami Springs Police
Modus operandi: Speed-traps. Tons of them.
Old slogan: “Personalized Police Service.”
New slogan: “Bienvenido a Paraíso. We’ll Be Waiting in the Bushes for You.”
Surfside Police
Modus operandi: Coralling roving bands of Metamucil-drunk geriatrics.
Old slogan: “A Rich Tradition of Community Policing.”
New slogan: “Sir, Slowly Put Down the Schmear.”
When news happens, Miami New Times is there —
Your support strengthens our coverage.
We’re aiming to raise $30,000 by December 31, so we can continue covering what matters most to you. If Miami New Times matters to you, please take action and contribute today, so when news happens, our reporters can be there.
Biscayne Park Police
Modus operandi: Stealing people’s drugs, apparently; last year, a bag of pot went missing from the evidence room.
Old slogan: “Patrolling the Village of Homes.”
New slogan: “Have You Ever Watched the Wizard of Oz on Mute While Playing Pink Floyd, Man? It’s Far Out.”
Opa-locka Police
Modus operandi: Staying alive in America’s most dangerous city.
Old slogan: “Of the People, by the People, for the People.”
New slogan: “Duck, Motherfucker!”
