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In case you missed it, Dolphins owner Stephen Ross made it official this morning: The Fins are indeed waging the biggest celebrity love-fest in South Florida this side of Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami.
The Dolphins have lost 20 percent of their season ticket base since 2006, and Ross’s plan to win those pigskin fans back runs heavier on the T-Pain than the tight ends.
Miami, you see, is about “celebrities, entertainment, and lifestyles,” Ross tells the Herald. So this off-season, Ross sold his stadium name to Jimmy Buffett for a warmed-over theme song, brought the Estefans and Marc Anthony onboard as part-owners, let T-Pain take a crack at the team anthem, and hired Romero Britto to slather the stadium with garish kittens.
If that’s not enough to force your wallet open, don’t worry: Ross plans to announce three more celebrity minority owners next week.
All Ross will say at this point is that the three will be famous and beloved Floridians. So who’s it going to be? A highly placed source on the deepest of deep background (OK, Perez Hilton) has leaked the names to New Times. Check ’em out after the jump.
Burt Reynolds: Nothing, but nothing, says swingin’ sexy South Beach cool like Turd Ferguson himself. That thunderous roar you hear is coming from the masses at Riviera Beach’s Burt Reynolds and Friends Museum, stampeding down I-95 for a midfield mustache ride with their idol. Giddyup!
Yngwie Malmsteen: Stephen Ross’s crack team of statisticians has analyzed the numbers, and the facts don’t lie. Of the 20 percent of Dolphins season ticket holders who have canceled their subscriptions, a vast majority are Swedish speed metal fans furious over the team’s association with Jimmy Buffett. And who can blame them? Only Miami resident Swedish shredder Yngwie Malmsteen can bring them back into the fold.
Jose Canseco: You want celebrity? You want entertainment? You want, uh, lifestyle? Wrap your face around the man who personifies all three, with a healthy dose of class sprinkled on top: Jose “Juice” Canseco, Miami’s proudest son.
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