Blowfly With Jacuzzi Boys and Mr. Entertainment and the PookiesmackersSaturday, January 2, 2010The Monterey Club, Fort LauderdaleBetter Than: Rotten fish cunnilingus.The Review:Happy New Year! Out with the old, in with the new. Right? Not at the Monterey Club Saturday night. The new was in, no doubt about it, but the…
Nothing like some uber-potent fresh-squeezed moronic behavior to make a hungover writer’s job easier. Last night Bow Wow — the crap-tastic rapper who insists he is no longer “Lil'” — flew into Miami, the nation’s undisputed celebrity-drunk-driving capitol, and drove his Lamborghini while trashed. With Chris Brown, whose very presence increases this…
In this 21st century world where even your grandmother’s getting busy with the Facebooks, MySpacies, and Ashley Madisons, there’s something mysterious and exotic and enticing about a young lady who can’t be found anywhere on the interweb. So when a fanboy asks Google, Who is Diamond Hymen?, and gets absolutely…
Made My Day Role model: You wrote an excellent piece about Clint Eastwood (“Go Ahead, Make My Decade,” Scott Foundas, December 24). Mr. Eastwood is a brilliant man. He is a huge role model and an inspiration to everyone around. He is a special man that is truly blessed. Every…
Golden Beach Mayor Glenn Singer says he has no intention of dumping town manager Alexander Diaz, who was recently arrested in Miami Beach for driving under the influence of alcohol. At least not until Singer gets back from vacation next week. “I don’t have all the facts yet,” Singer told Banana Republican…
Golden Beach Town Manager Alexander Diaz was a very naughty boy this past December 25. Miami Beach police officers arrested the 31-year-old small city bureaucrat for driving under the influence of alcohol. According to the arrest report, Diaz attempted to drive off in his gray BMW SUV after informing one…
Sweet Bronco with The Pretty Faces, A Hunters Pace, and Retrocities Saturday, December 26, 2009 Propaganda, Lake Worth Better Than: John Elway and John Wayne dodging ponies as rodeo clowns. As Sweet Bronco rocked the stage at Propaganda Saturday night, people were moved in various ways: Some shouted “Yeehaw!”, most…
There was a time, often called “childhood,” when catching your unmarried moms making out with a fat, bearded guy in a red suit would’ve been a wonderful development of the most Christmassy proportions. Who’d have thought that Santa could be your stepdad? No one. And yet, here was the chubby…
South Florida’s hapless idiots are a tireless bunch. And since moronic behavior doesn’t take a week off for the holidays, we, your diligent Nimwit-Chasing I-Team, have to work overtime to keep up. We’re keeping it short this week, though — a shot glass full of Bacardi 151-strength moron-elixir to help…
‘Tis the season to mock the poor fruitcake, arguably the most disrespected comestible of all time.”There is nothing dangerous about fruitcakes as long as people send them along without eating them.” ~Calvin Trillin”Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them.”…
Last night, Banana Republican settled into bed with a nice cup of eggnog and holiday gingerbread cookies while indulging in one of my favorite past times — cracking up at the expense of the rubes who end up on the Epic Fail blog. I came across this early Christmas present for…
Dim Sum at HakkasanStarting January 2, Hakkasan will be offering Dim Sum for lunch every Saturday and Sunday. Menu is still being finalized, but count on the famed steamed dumplings, and some deep fried congee, too. The first service of the year will be something of a practice run. Prices…
Miami’s Planning Advisory Board member Paul Mann is calling out the city commission. This past December 17, commissioners Frank Carrollo, Marc Sarnoff and Francis Suarez signed off on a plan to convert vacant city-owned park land at NW 14th Ave and 61st Street into residential units.The property is next door…
Santa’s gift: a hoochie
Letters from the issue of December 24, 2009
Whenever the web seems to have reached its peak of weirdness, the whole thing whirlpools into entirely new dimensions of the bizarre, revealing secret worlds where you can watch celebrity breakdowns streamed live, read first-round NBA draft picks suicide tweets, or even e-shop for shrunken human heads. One of the…
Ronda Vangates was once caught up in one of the worst scandals of Rudy Crew’s tenure as Miami-Dade County Public Schools superintendent. Today, the 38-year-old school district bureaucrat is the anointed successor to board member Solomon Stinson, who has decided not to run for re-election. That’s politics in the nation’s…
Last time So You Think You Can Dance held auditions in Miami, they found their winner: 18-year-old Pinecrest resident Jeanine Mason. For the seventh season, the inexplicably popular televised dance-off will again come searching for talent in the 305. So, if um.. you think you can dance, then gather up your dance…
The rent has skyrocketed eightfold. The onetime flophouse has been painted and transformed into pricey condos. A shabby sign that once read, “Vacancy — Lowest Rates — Beach Facilities — Always a Seabreeze,” has been replaced by a pretty picture peddling a $7 million residence. The beachside hotel where two…
We’ve been hit with a cold front, and if you’re like Riptide, your office is about as cozy as a gulag right now. But that’s OK, because this week’s batch of morons has a MWQ (Moronic Wattage Quotient) powerful enough to heat a three-story building. Throw on a Christmas sweater…
The incoming president of the county firefighters union, Dominick Barbera, is demonstrating a terrible lack of ethics in his personal feud with Miami-Dade Fire Rescue Chief Herminio Lorenzo. This past December 9, sent Lorenzo an audaciously snarky letter mocking the chief’s proposal to require all county firefighters to report traffic…
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.””Well, tell me!” the man said.The policeman said, “We have some…
