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If Bacardi 151 is the most outrageous thing you’ve ever drunk, you have a lot to learn about drinking.
Alcohol is so passé. Take these new-age libations to a vegan potluck, and we guarantee you’ll get laid just as easily as you would if Captain Morgan were facilitating.
Bonus: You’ll remember the whole thing and probably perform better in the sack thanks to increased blood flow to your sacral chakra. Namaste!
1. Liquid chlorophyll
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Got stank breath? Not after you swill some liquid chlorophyll, known for neutralizing bodily odors from the inside out. Extracted from alfalfa, algae, spirulina, wheatgrass, or barley grass, liquid chlorophyll is plants’ equivalent of blood and is actually chemically similar to human blood. The “green juice” is rich in calcium, magnesium, manganese, phosphorous, selenium, zinc, and potassium. It also contains vitamins A, C, and E. Because of its high antioxidant content, people take it to prevent cell damage. It’s said to work as a blood purifier, attaching to toxins and impurities and releasing them into bodily fluids to be excreted. Get your chloro-fill of this health tonic and you’ll dance longer and smell better doing it. (Although Dr. Andrew Weil does not seem too impressed with the stuff.)
2. Bissivera
Bissivera is made by a Miami-based company called Longer Life. Its label claims it improves sex drive, “heals” impotence, “clears blocked tubes,” and “expels worms, gas, and colds.” Obviously, this tonic, which includes exotic ingredients such as “hyssica,” “blood wiss,” “angelica root,” and “olive leaves,” will help you woo countless horny herbivores. After all, who doesn’t want to mate with a lusty, worm-free, fart-resistant health junkie? Pick up a bottle for $24.99 at Vegetarian Restaurant by Hakin in North Miami.
3. Capsaicin drinks
Got a little too much jiggle in your wiggle? Well, alcohol calories won’t help the situation. But slurping a little capsaicin might!
The active component of chili peppers, capsaicin is actually a mild irritant to humans. But it has been shown to raise your body’s “heat index,” causing a slight and temporary rise in your metabolic rate. So replacing your old, alcoholic firewater with this nonalcoholic one could help make you a more svelte and attractive person, instead of a drunk who just fancies himself svelte and attractive. A company called Prometheus Springs makes the most popular capsaicin elixirs, which you can easily and inexpensively pick up at Whole Foods.
4. Açaí juice
Countless Internet banner ads might have desensitized you to this health tonic, but it is actually good for you. Web MD states that açaí contains powerful antioxidants called anthocyanins and flavonoids, which can help boost immunity and neutralize free radicals produced by the body, hindering the aging process. Many also claim it can help you lose weight. So it can help you stay young-looking and thin. How else can it help get you laid? If you bring a sexy, wine-like bottle of the health potion to a party, it’s bound to help you strike up a conversation with hard-bodied health freaks faster than you can say “organic sunflower greens.”
Stock up on these healthy-living libations at Apple a Day, Vita Life, and other health-food stores all over Miami, and get ready to beat off the vegan vixens with an organic cinnamon stick.
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