Audio By Carbonatix
We’ve made big gains today in the pursuit of justice in our office food theft scandal here at New Times. In case you missed it, a number of shrimp were stolen yesterday from New Times’ employee fridge, prompting an investigation that’s shook the office to its very core.
This morning, our investigative team received a missive thought to originate from the salty paws of the Shrimp Thief him/herself. Take a look:
I am the shrimp bandit.I ate those two shrimp, I didn’t think it would make much of an impact. Considering it did, I will have a school of shrimp swimming in my belly the next time. Should you dare to bring in shrimp again.
Not only did I steal those two shrimp I did enjoy the cocktail sauce, I double dipped.
Take that…
Our team is looking into the source of the mysterious e-mail as we speak, and we will no doubt find the criminal before the day’s end. Authorities are not ruling out multiple suspects — this may in fact be the early warning signs of a shrimping ring developing right under our noses. We have, however, developed an artist’s rendition of the group’s ringleader based on information collected.
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We’ll keep you posted as the story develops.
