Lakers’ Ron Artest Picks Heat to Win In 4 or 5 or 6 or Not At All

Ron Artest, the NBA’s favorite halftime-boozing, riot-inducing maniac, has gotten quite interested in this year’s NBA Finals — unencumbered by playoff obligations of his own, he’s been making predictions for a week despite not knowing what day the games are on or what city they’re being played in.
Stunning statistical analysis aside, Artest may have been biased in Miami’s direction by what appears to be a trip to Urban Beach Weekend:

Memorial day was banging in Miami

Packed

It’s time to party now31 May via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyRon Artestronartest

Wow

Now I see a tiger skin blouse

Let’s party31 May via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyRon Artestronartest

Omg!!!

I see an elephant in a thong31 May via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyRon Artestronartest

With such an indelibly positive opinion of the city, it was inevitable that he picked the Heat to possibly sweep the Mavs:

I’m extremely proud of Dallas

Not a hater

But I think Miami in four or five31 May via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyRon Artestronartest

…or maybe not:

Can Dallas sweep the heat?31 May via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyRon Artestronartest

Nope.

I don’t care who wins

But I got heat in 51 Jun via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyRon Artestronartest

Oh, wait. No. Four games, plus a thesaurus:

Miami in four not five if dirk is hurt

But j Terry will have big games1 Jun via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyRon Artestronartest

I like the mavs

And coach Rick

But I just think the three headed cerebellum us too much for dirk and his perks3 Jun via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyRon Artestronartest

But then he seems to think a Mavericks win isn’t entirely impossible…  

If Dallas wins four one I’ll run down Santa monica with electrical shocks on my chest nipples3 Jun via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyRon Artestronartest

Thank goodness he clarified that he was talking about electrocuting his CHEST nipples. But all that electrical talk apparently got The Clothesline in a recalculating mood:

Ok

I was wrong I got mavs in six

I mis calculated

If lebron gets this win n Dallas

I’m going on record as saying he is great!!3 Jun via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyRon Artestronartest

Thankfully, he then re-recalulated. Kind of.

But let me say this

I can’t see Miami winning now

But I will still say Miami in six

But I don’t believe3 Jun via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyRon Artestronartest

So we’ve got the support of the baller/rap producer behind the internationally acclaimed (and inexplicably sneaker-themed) “Ball’n Mixtape,” put together by the “World Wide Wariers.”

Between Artest tweeting and Archbishop Thomas Wenski throwing down the “ecclesiastical gauntlet,” how could we lose?