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Unless you’re stuck in some Jack McKeon-like time warp in which Twitter relies on actual messenger pigeons, you’ve probably heard by now that Barack Obama will remain in the White House. And unless your name is Mitt Romney and you’ve permanently forgone alcohol and caffeine, your brain is still probably a soggy mush of post-celebratory/funereal booze.
So we’ll make this easy on you. Here are our single-word reviews of everything that happened last Tuesday, starting with Obama’s victory.
Obama’s win: Ballsy
Obama’s victory speech: Lincoln-y
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Obama’s margin of victory: Nate-Silver-y
Mitt Romney’s Election Day performance: Meh
Romney’s concession speech: Short
Romney’s face during concession speech: Puffy
Romney’s audience: Chalky
Obama’s audience: Grad-student-y
Joe Biden: Plastered
Florida: Clusterf*cked
Miami-Dade County: Atrasado
Bill Nelson: Grape-Nuts
Connie Mack: Grape-Nutted
Allen West: Ballotf*cked
David Rivera: Corruptif*cked
Rick Scott: F*cked-up
Alan Grayson: Back
County commissioners: Limited
Miami Herald/Tampa Bay Times/Mason-Dixon poll that showed Romney up by 6 percentage points in Florida: Oops
Democrats: Resurgent
Republicans: Worried
Latinos: ¡Gracias!
Obama’s future: Fiscal-cliff-avoidance
Romney’s future: Pilates
America’s future: Bright
