A French Freakout on Duval Street

I have great love for both France and its people, as well as Key West.

So it tickled my spine earlier today to read on KeysNet.com that a 23-year-old French tourist named Romain Alvany was ejected from a Duval Street restaurant around 2 a.m. for walking into the kitchen and taking down a cup and a half of raw garlic, a cup of raw onion, a cup of chopped basil, and some cooked lobster meat.

I really hope this kind of thing catches on in haute cuisine. It’s like making chocolate milk in your mouth: a scoop of Nesquik, a gulp of milk, and a shake of your head until mixing is complete.

Perhaps José Andrés will make a swift return to the Bazaar at the SLS Hotel, gesticulating wildly as he shoots some kind of espuma into the mouths of his blogger fanboys.

These kinds of shenanigans are nothing special for the most famous of all Florida hideaways. On my first visit, my father sent me down the street from the Hog’s Breath Saloon to buy him two packs of Salem Ultra Lights. As a 14-year-old kid, I was amazed that such a thing was possible, and ten minutes later, I stomped back into the bar feeling like Clint Eastwood.

I studied French language for more than a decade and visited different parts of the country on several occasions. The French catch a bad wrap. They’re somewhat aloof, but how can you despise people who drink gallons of wine, cook nearly everything in butter, and take three-hour lunches?

Meanwhile, Alvany seemed to get his karmic return when, at 4 a.m., he reported to Key West police that his phone and wallet had been stolen. KeysNews seems to say the misplaced articles were the result of the Frenchman’s drunken stupor. C’est la vie.

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