The Murderous Miami Heat Drinking Game

Note: This log, apparently describing an NBA Finals-themed drinking game played by a group of Miami Heat fans, was discovered late Sunday night. The fate of the heartbroken revelers is not known.
FIRST QUARTER
12:00 — All right, time for tip-off! Super excited to have all this booze. Keeping my laptop handy to keep track of the entire country rooting against the #Mavs.

11:50 — Whoa, they’re starting Mario Chalmers over Mike Bibby? Interesting move. He’s got 34 more points on the series and has been shooting way b–
11:44 — Air ball. Nevermind. Take a drink, everyone.

10:10 — LeBron’s got five points already! Take a shot people. We’re gonna prove the haters wrong.
8:00 — Suzie pointed out that Rick Carlisle looks like Jim Carrey. Take a shot for Suzie’s lack of originality.
5:26 — BAREA gets an easy layup. Take a shot for the Heat’s inability to muster the defense to stop a woodland creature from embarrassing them.
4:10 — Another shot because Wade let Jason Terry take an easy trey. I think Suzie’s starting to feel these shots. Luckily SportsCenter is distracting us with the Mensa-level insights of former Maverick and all-around basketball legend Tim Legler, who started four games in 11 seasons. He doesn’t have a Twitter account of his own, but SportsCenter didn’t want to deprive us so they just tweeted his crap for him:

“I think tonight is easier for the #Heat. Because of the assumption that if they make it to GM7, they’re gonna win.”-Tim Legler #NBAFinalsless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplySportsCenterSportsCenter

Oh, good, now we all understand the game better. Also, getting a bit drunk.
2:04 — Heat do that “throw the ball up as the shot clock is expiring” thing again. Another whiskey, down the hatch.
1:26 — Eddie House is still playing professional basketball? And he’s on the floor? Make yourself a beverage, everyone, but don’t drink it. Pour it out in memory of Mike Bibby’s career, because it’s never coming back. It died in Atlanta a few years ago and no one noticed until just now.
SECOND QUARTER
10:15 — J.J. Barea just got a rebound. Take a drink, dammit, we’re down by nine.
9:42 — Make that down by 12. Take another drink. Did you know the Tony Awards are on tonight? Sucks for all those Broadway fanatics who are also rabid NBA fans.
9:25 — Suzie just threw up.
8:00 — Was that a commercial for the WNBA during the break? No. No don’t you dare drink to that, Jim. We’ll take a shot for the WNBA when they can survive without the NBA giving them sponsors.
6:32 — FIGHT. WHAT OH MAN. I bet Spoelstra has a blade. I’d start pushing people if Eddie “Big Balls” House made a three-pointer on me too. Also, I don’t get why Jim is so pissed about me spitting tobacco juice onto his rug.
2:40 — Dirk is one for NINE? Take a drink, idiots. Their star is sucking a big one and we’re only winning by one.
THIRD QUARTER
Oh, man. I passed out for like 10 minutes. Woke up to a commercial about some party cruise sponsored by Bud Light. I’m betting it’s also sponsored by ketamine and Valtrex. I don’t feel good.
6:34 — Barea is guarding LeBron! Here’s his chance to — oh. Nevermind. LeBron just threw him across the court instead of scoring. Drink.
1:05 — We’ve missed HOW many free throws?

IM NOT BELIEVING THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyLIL JONLilJon

I can’t hear anymore. So sick. So drunk. Legler, quit it.

“LeBron HAS to be in the game coming out of this timeout” -Tim Legler #NBAFinalsless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplySportsCenterSportsCenter

this isn’t fun anymore. capital letters are for winners. wait, it’s the 4th quarter?
i think suzies dead
6:08 — clarence clemons had a stroke. this is the worst nite of my lfie. never drinking again
5:12 — urghhhh. jim. jim are you ok. jim.
make sure they play billy joel at my funeral
somebody tape sportscent——-